Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Second Annual Thanksgiving Laundry List

The LSU game sucked.  I was there.  It was cold and rainy and our team played like it.  I am done with it.  Goodbye Sugar Bowl dreams.  Hello Mizzou.  Instead of focusing on broken dreams and shaky play-calling, let’s instead meditate on the positives in our lives as Texas A&M football fans.  I can’t promise there won’t be a few snarky, back handed, totally unauthentic thank you’s though (I obviously haven’t fully thawed off from last Saturday).  Without further ado, the second annual Thanksgiving laundry list!

Mike Evans: Thank you in advance for giving Texas A&M its first ever Biletnikoff award.  Hardware (just like banners) lasts forever and that trophy will forever shine for Texas A&M.  You are a man among boys on the football field.  Watching you win jump balls is a true joy.  I only wish one of your two legendary performances could have resulted in an Aggie victory.  Fret not though!  NFL paychecks are in your near future.  As much as I would love to see you in maroon for another year, I don’t think you have anything left to prove. 

The Dry Bean Saloon:  Thank you for being my favorite bar on Earth.  Thank you for your reasonably priced, wonderfully executed shot concoctions.  Oh, and thank you for opening early on game days so I can take shots at 9 am.  Duck Busters all around!

Josh Lambo: Thank you times infinity for removing Bertolet from our lives.  I often felt like Bertolet was put on this Earth to torment me, but alas, Lambo has come to save us.  If you had told me that A&M would win ONE GAME on a last second field goal this year I would have slapped you in the face and told you to take your gibberish elsewhere.

Darian Claiborne: In the midst of a truly horrifying defensive year you have provided one small silver lining.  A true freshman middle linebacker stepping into SEC and holding his own is nothing to scoff at.  You have a bright future and I hope you become the defensive heart we need.

Mack Brown’s Corpse: Thank you for embarrassing yourself against BYU and Ole Miss.  Thank you for somewhat turning the team around and forcing everyone to wonder if you are indeed still alive as you bumble up and down the sidelines.  8-4 seasons in the Big 12 suit you well.

Jake Matthews:  Thank you for returning this year and solidifying yourself as a future NFL left tackle and top ten draft pick.  Despite the offensive line looking shaky from time to time we can’t deny your presence as our offense averages 45.6 points a game.

Drake:  Thank you for befriending our beloved quarterback and adding to his already impressive mystique.  Why you haven’t made any trips to College Station behooves me.  Throw us a bone.  Do a concert at Wolf Pen Creek Amphitheatre to help struggling Brazos County rappers.  THEY NEED YOU DRAKE!

Clay Travis:  Thank you for always having Johnny’s back (and for spending so much time analyzing the girlfriends of SEC quarterbacks).  When the masses wanted to focus on questionable off the field decisions or meaningless on the field antics, you always brought the attention back to the performance on the field.

Oklahoma State University:  Thank you for making sure I don’t have to live in a world in which Baylor is a national title contender.

Kevin Sumlin:  Thank you for being a ridiculously savvy dude.  I sure hope you realize the grass is not greener in the underwhelming Pac 12.  Let’s stick together for a few more years until the NFL beckons your name.  Unrelated side note: is it time to start rethinking the futures of your coordinators?  Just sayin…

Jake Spavital:  Thank you for completely ignoring our slew of insane running backs of late. Ugh. 

Clay Honeycutt:  Thank you for finally finding your way to the bench.  (Ok, I am done now)

Myles Garrett:  Thank you for pledging your future to Texas A&M and giving us some defensive potential to salivate over.

Kyle Allen:  Thank you for pledging your future to Texas A&M and giving us some offensive potential to salivate over.

Tra Carson:  Thank you for being a behemoth of a running back.  Our stupid play calling (and maybe your health?) may be preventing you from shining of late, but I haven’t forgotten what it was like to watch you earlier this season.  I can’t remember seeing a running back run with the ferocity and power that you do.  I have a big fat man crush on you Tra.

Texas A&M University (and old rich donors):  Thank you for stepping up and approving the Kyle Field renovation project.  You struck while the iron was hot and put a plan into motion that will further make Kyle Field one of the greatest venues in College Football (even though it was already great to begin with).

University of Texas and Oregon:  Thanks again for not pulling in that little old quarterback from Kerrville.  Texas A&M football will forever be in debt to you both.

Current Texas A&M Students:  Thank you for consistently bringing your "A" game every week and showing the SEC that we belong on every level.  Packing Kyle Field with 30,000+ students on a week to week basis is incredible! 

And last but not least...

Johnny "Football" Manziel: Excluding the recent poop he took in Death Valley (an injured hand?), there is nothing I am more thankful for than having Johnny as the quarterback of my team.  Fans and universities yearn for transcendent players that lead a team and ignite the nation.  Players like that don't come along every year (heck, they don't come along every decade).  Ours is young, impressionable, oozing with swagger, and the reigning Heisman trophy winner.  Maybe we need to remind ourselves one extra time to enjoy what might be Johnny's last two games in an A&M uniform.  Soak it up, live in the moment, revel in every highlight reel, and look forward to every mushy article (will he stay?).  Enjoy it all and be thankful.  Johnny did some pretty cool things at Texas A&M.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Trust Me Coach, USC is Overrated (via Yelp)

So there have been a few rumors of USC’s fondness for Kevin Sumlin floating around the interweb of late.  Rubbish, I say.  Why would Sumlin ever leave the beautiful, cultural College Station?  California weather is overrated.  Who needs the Pacific Ocean in your backyard when you have the Gulf of Mexico right around the corner?  I digress.  If Sumlin even gave the faintest thought to leaving, I would suggest he do his research on USC.  And what better way to research a spot than to check out its Yelp page.  Let’s ignore all those glowing, obviously inebriated, five star reviews and scroll all the way down and take a glance at the breathtaking one and two star reviews.  Coach, you need to know the worst case scenario of all potential employment opportunities. 

Jessica C – One Star:
Overpriced and overcrowded. Plus i did NOT like the way they treated their adjunct faculty. Think anti-union, no contract style conditions. 

If you like football, you might enjoy this school. Otherwise, I'd say save your money and head to UCLA. it's a hell of a lot cheaper and ranked higher. OMG i'm such a traitor!!”

Sumdog… did you hear how they treat their adjunct faculty?????  You don’t wanna be a part of that anti-union, no contract style bullcrap!!!!!  So what if this review was written in 2007, have you double checked to make sure they have righted their wrongs in regards to this adjunct faculty situation??? 

Wait, what exactly is the adjunct faculty?

Luke S – One Star:
“University of Spoiled Children, University of Second Choice.  I am bitter about the Rose Bowl and its not because the Illini lost.  I am not a Illini alum, I went to Northwestern, but the lack of class demonstrated by the USC players, coaching staff, and band has forever tainted my impression of USC.”

Sumdog… do you want your kids to be spoiled??? Do you want to be associated with a classless band??? Of course you don’t.  You have obviously become accustomed to life with a classy band.  Anyways, the super sensitive Luke S from Northwestern will not be happy with you if you go to USC! No reason to make enemies in the Midwest.

Traci J – One Star:
“The Sarah Palin of Universities.. 
Full of HYPE..”

Well shoot, I just don’t know where to go with this one…

Sue L – One Star
“what is to like about SC??? ehhh??? NOTHING..... cant think of a d*** thing....can i give it negative stars?”

Is Sue referencing South Carolina?  Maybe she is just an angry Clemson fan who got lost on Yelp?

Jerome B – One Star:
“USC is vastly overpriced. No one should be paying $200k plus for a bachelors degree. Grad school? Perhaps. Even then, that is a lot of green. Campus itself is nice, though it is not located in a good area. USC is still probably the third best school in Southern California, behind Cal. Tech and UCLA respectively.”

Sumdog… you don’t wanna go to the third best school in the SOUTHERN portion of California do you?  No telling where Jerome B ranks USC in the WHOLE state of California.

Andrea Z – Two Stars:
“As a progressive person, USC is also an incredibly stifling campus.
“Also, USC does not treat its community or workers all that well.  There is constant complaints from both parties on this issue... and the clothes for their athletes are made in sweatshops.

Sumdog!  You are most definitely a progressive guy who does not approve of sweatshops.  No way you want to associate yourself with such unprogressive behavior.

Joseph W – Two Stars:
“The professors here want to suck the youth out of your eyeballs and make you pay for it.” 

Correct me if I am wrong Coach, but I think your football players are gonna need their eyes to succeed on the field.  That would be a huge disadvantage to play football without your eyes.  Is Mary’s School of the Blind in the Pac 12?  Oh shoot, I forgot Colorado just joined… they sometimes play as if they were blind (or stoned).

Mary N – Two Stars:
“it was ok.

Mediocrity and complacency do not suit you Mr. Sumlin.

Maria D – Two Stars:
“While USC strives to be diverse and offers many scholarships, much of their student body also lives up to the stereotype.  Lots and lots of rich white kids from Orange County and Texas who are outraged the first time they are forced to confront their privilege in classes that address race and socioeconomic status.”   

Oh shoot, how did that get in there!  I am a privileged white kid from Texas.  Ignore this Coach.  Let’s get to the final review.

Brittney S – One Star:
“UCLA is so much better and ranked #8 in the world, while USC isnt even in the top 10: it's in the 50's-60's. Don't come here unless you wanna get shot or ripped off.”

Plain and simple Sumdog… nobody wants to get shot.    

I rest my case Coach Sumlin.  If this doesn’t convince you that the grass is not greener on the other side, I don’t know what will.